It's been a while since I've really sat down to have a serious RP, and even the times that I do bring myself to sit down for a serious RP, it usually undoubtedly ends with one of my characters getting severely depressed and attempting suicide.

It wasn't hard for you to see the fact that I was depressed, and you dealt with me regardless of how much I would whine or complain out-of-character about my real life and the things that were bothering me, as if you didn't have anything wrong with your own lives.

Now, looking back, I can see the roots of my depression even in the genesis of my roleplaying days.  My first character was "Mata", her name literally meaning "to kill". She was female, because my own psychology left me more on the emotional side of things and more in tune with the feminine mind.  She was young, immature, much like the thoughts that ran through my mind at the time.  She was a nudist, and now I see that was merely a reflection of myself feeling vulnerable, as her in the state of nakedness is as vulnerable as she could be.

I killed her off as I went to make different characters. They would look different, they would have different back-stories, but they would always end up in the same spot, much how my own life would always lead me to the same spot.

I have lived with these depressive thoughts and characters for a long time, and even after seeking treatment for my own depression in real life, my characters continued to have their same old problems. They stopped being nudists, but they still sought self-destruction.

After having a long chat with a friend and co-worker of mine, I have decided that these characters are manifestations of my emotions, their anthropomorphic bodies a representation of the animalistic feelings and emotions I was letting through.  I did not think, I only acted on my emotions, and so did my creations.

As difficult as it is for me to come to the conclusion that I do indeed have this "Dissociative Identity Disorder", it is even more difficult for me to put here that I would like to cease all roleplay that is going on with me. My characters are to be retroactively removed from any continuity they might have existed in. I must destroy them all to find who I truly am, beneath them.

For many years, they have been my barrier, protecting me from having to deal with my problems myself. Some of them have taken away some bad memories from my past.  Some of the problems that my characters faced as children were repressed memories of things that had happened to me. There is a lot of empty space when I look back at memories of my childhood, but it all becomes clear once my parents were separated.

I'm not comfortable openly putting out the things that have happened to me that effected me so badly to shake me into this, but there are a few people I am comfortable telling if you really want to know. Send me a message and I'll tell you.